My Story
My name is Tahir. I am currently a Mechanical Engineering major in undergrad and I suffer from chronic depression and some bipolar. I have been obese/overweight for the majority of my life. I am a terrible student but an excellent learner. I’m ridiculously shy around new people. I dislike being around family sometimes. I feel like a burden. Sometimes I stay in bed all day and cry, because I know people wont understand what I am going through. Most people who know me will probably be shocked reading this. Only because I hide it so well.
Before I continue I want to take a step back and shed some light on my childhood. Im the youngest in my household. Its my Dad, my mom, and my older brother. The best way to describe my house? Id say it was/is a strict Christian environment. Not only that, but I am absolutely terrified of my father. Even though Im grown I still can barely look him the eye at times, because of the whoopings I got. There were times when I was scared to go home. My friends would ask me on the school bus why my mood always seemed to change when it was time to go home. It was because my father was unpredictable at times. I was afraid at times to ask normal questions kids ask. Can I go outside? Can I go to my friends sleepover? Can we have a dog? etc. As a result I sort of became a “part time introvert” Don’t get me wrong my father was a provider and I thank God he was in my life. But when it came to discipline, I didn’t respect him. I FEARED HIM. I ended up becoming a couch potato. Scared to ask him can I go play outside. Sometimes he said yes. Sometimes he ignored me. Sometimes he blew up. I never knew what I was going to get. So I stopped asking. I found comfort in food, hence the weight gain. I perfected hiding pain through humor. No one could roast me in school. I was lethal with the jokes. I wanted to hurt your feelings. I wanted to make you cry. Only because I was a complete mess on the inside. At home I was either eating or getting yelled at/whooped. The crazy thing is, my brother had it worse. My dad actually got better when I was born. So I can imagine what my older brother went through. That manifested into the mental health issues I have today.
My mood is up and down, on and off from day to day. Depression follows me and anyone else who suffers from it around like a shadow. When the sun is out and everything is going fine, the shadow is right there lurking. Even when the sun is not out, the shadow (depression) is still there. No matter where you go its there. Being a STEM major intensified my depression. And eventually it got so bad it started to affect me inside the classroom. I finally decided to seek help, and when I did things got better. Seeing a professional helped me deal with my “shadow”. I thought to myself, there must be so many black men out there who also suffer from mental illness and sweep it under the rug. I am here to change that. This is my story, and I am not ashamed to share it anymore. Don’t feel sorry for me. This is not a sob story. Instead, Help me spread my message. Help me achieve my goal, in changing how blacks view mental health. It Starts with U and Me.