| Hi, my name is Nicole but I’m known by most as Shan. I was diagnosed with chronic major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD at the age of 11 (I’m now 25). My at home situation has always been rough. I came up in a single parent household and endured whatever my mother dished out. I’m the 2nd oldest of 4 kids and the oldest girl. I never understood and still don’t understand why a mother would treat someone they birthed the way I was treated. I endured mental and physical abuse on countless occasions…. and once she found out her boyfriend had been “grooming” me since I was 6 the abuse got worse.
Instead of addressing the grown man that was abusing me she lashed out at me and I can’t even begin to describe how that affected my mental state. Having the abuse get worse from my mother only taught me to keep my mouth shut when things happened to me; which I did. When I was 11 I was sodomized by my cousin… my own family. I endured abuse from him for an entire summer… suffering alone, in silence because I thought if I told I would get beat. His step dad actually walked in on him abusing me and just turned back around. Didn’t stop him, didn’t get him off… he just walked away. Around this time I started drinking. There were always drinks around the house so it wasn’t hard for me to get alcohol. I was always left home alone so anytime I had the opportunity I would steal a drink. I would drink until I couldn’t feel and I was okay with that. I didn’t understand at the time what being drunk meant but I what I did know is that drinking made me feel less and less was better. That fall I started cutting, carving, and other self mutilations. The alcohol just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I started off cutting my upper arms so no one could see then I just stopped caring and cut wherever drew the most blood. Eventually,I got caught and my mom had me hospitalized… there I was forced to talk about the abuse from my cousin and I had to undergo a rape kit, which was terrifying. Over the course of these last 14 years, I’ve been hospitalized 3x, I’ve attempted suicide 8 (the last time almost being successful), I’ve been raped and assaulted more than I can count… Endured domestic abuse (one situation actually led to me miscarrying), I hate leaving the house or being in large groups, I hate being touched… whether it’s a hug or a handshake. I also feel like I am the way am sexually because I’ve been exposed to it for so long. I’m currently in therapy and on medication after years of trying to pray away the depression. I still struggle with my mental health but you can only take things one day at a time. And I’ve learned that it may not be easy but you have to keep going. |